One thing I always try to avoid talking about is death. The sound of that word makes me cringe. It brings on these feelings that are overwhelming. One second you are here and one second you are not. We don't know when our final breathe will be. We don't know if we will be young or old, and if it's tragic or of natural causes. Those are the first two questions I always see people ask, I have even asked these questions myself.
The early morning that Wee passed away my whole life changed. When I tell you it has changed that is no lie. There is this piece of you that goes with them when animals or humans pass away. There is this certain ache that doesn't go away and the tears just will not stop. This is this feeling of wanting something back so bad and not being able to fill that void. The days that follow nights and nights that follow days. You almost lose track of time. Days become weeks that get longer and longer. Before you know it just like that it's been a month.
The stages of grieving are no joke. I could look at every single stage and know if I had gone through it or not. There is no set way to grieve. You can pass stage after stage and then regress. You might go through stages longer then others. I would almost say it's like 5 steps forward 2 steps back. There are seven stages of grief and although they go in order doesn't mean your grief will go in that order.
Denial when you first start grieving. I remember at the start after Wee died I couldn't comprehend that he was dead. I know that I found him after he passed away, I saw what he looked like but I felt like a dream and I hoped and prayed he came home. My baby boy had to come home because I was not ready for him to leave. I feel almost numb. Days and days go by and before you know it, it's been a week.
Anger follows denial. I get it okay ? My fur child passed. I know it might have not been a big deal to others but not I. Not my wife and I at all. I am pissed because there was nothing I could do to get him back. To fill this aching heart. When you lose something that fills your heart, you then lose a piece of your heart. You can not come back dammit I want you back. I am mad. I am so mad. I am mad that I didn't see something. I am mad because I went against my best judgment. Anger is a hard emotion. I believe a lot of people hold anger in. Which that is not good because having built up anger without being able to talk about it that you can feel anger. We all suffer from anger. It is okay to be angry. It is a normal grieving process.
Bargaining with life. Why did you take him away ?? Please bring him back to me. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. I would do anything to get him back. What do I have to do to get him back? Why didn't do this, or what didn't I do that. We ask ourselves these questions because you always feel like there was something you could have done. When in reality we couldn't change a thing.
Depression. This is the worst feeling to me. Depression can make you not have an appetite, stop enjoying things that you enjoyed, and not taking care of yourself such as showering or keeping yourself clean. With depression some people do not eat. Self care is so important. More important then anything else at that moment. You need to eat because if you don't you will more then likely be depressed.
Acceptance, when you can acknowledge that the person or animal you love is gone. I understand that Wee is gone. I don't want to admit it but I know he is gone. No matter what I say or do he will not come back. This is the stage for me that's hard. I don't want to accept Wee is gone. No matter what I say or do, he is gone.
I miss my Wee more then I have missed anything. My heart aches for him. I look for him where ever I go. I see white and I think I am going to see him. It's so hard to know that I will never see that sweet face. Nothing can bring him back.
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