There For I Have Awakend

                              One thing I always try to avoid talking about is death. The sound of that word makes me cringe. It brings on these feelings that are overwhelming. One second you are here and one second you are not. We don't know when our final breathe will be. We don't know if we will be young or old, and if it's tragic or of natural causes. Those are the first two questions I always see people ask, I have even asked these questions myself.                  The early morning that Wee passed away my whole life changed. When I tell you it has changed that is no lie. There is this piece of you that goes with them when animals or humans pass away. There is this certain ache that doesn't go away and the tears just will not stop. This is this feeling of wanting something back so bad and not being able to fill that void. The days that follow nights and nig...

                              When you take a cat into your home, you know you love them with all your heart. One thing we don't think about is what happens to your soul when your beloved cat passes onto the rainbow bridge. We just love them and show them what love is. We take care of their needs mentally and physically. You make sure they are fed everyday, and they have fresh water. You clean their boxes and give them treats. Or you go and buy new toys you can see the excitement in their eyes. I don't think the love of an animal can compare to anything in this world.                        September of 2015 my wife and I took in two rescue kittens and they were 5 weeks. There was 4 siblings all together. We got the only girl and the spittiest boy. Another foster home had the other two.emaciated kittens. We named the boy Zeus and the girl Asia. ...

                "  I am afraid that the easiest way to get this tube out, is just to pull it out."                                             When I came out of surgery I had dressing on my stomach wound and dressing on the holes where they place the JP drain.  The Jackson-Pratt drain is used to collect all the reminisce of all the fluids and infections left over from surgery. The CNAs would measure the fluid in the JP drain twice a day. They want to know your output because they need to know if the infection is coming out. You don't want the fluid collecting. You risk infections and blood issues.                       I remember when I first noticed I had the drains. I didn't understand it but I knew I was afraid the drains would be pulled out. Everything at ...

                           Later that day I was told that I could get my catheter out. I was so beyond excited. A big reason why I wanted it out was because I had started my period. There was nothing comfortable about laying back in my bed. I hadn't known I started at this point. I was still on bed rest so I wasn't getting up. As females have their periods, some females may not. I happened to have my period be extremely inconsistent. Some months I would shed my lining. Others I did not. All I do know is if you are a female you get a double whammy. I would say that every month I become extremely flared up while having my monthly. So lucky me, I had to start at the hospital. That is probably why I had such bad cramps that day. I had sworn it was my ovary, but it wasn't. Or it was a little bit of ovary pain. They were quite worried about me. and the blood was coming out me black.        ...

I had opened my eyes from a short nap in the morning. Early in the morning CNAs would  come in and do vitals and then surgeon/doctor would come in to evaluate me. He would also check my wound. At this point I had not really seen what had been done. I had seen tubes coming out every orfus and I think we didn't touch the bandage right away.     This particular morning I was again woken up around 7:00am. At first CNA were coming into more often then not. At some points I was the only person critical at the hospital. The nurse would come in the morning to give out medications and also check bandages if they needed to be changed. I would also get my morning Heparin shot. Oh man the Heparin burned. They had to put it in my thigh and every time I got one they would  change sides. They also left this awful bruises and lumps behind. The Heparin shot was like fire. I had never really been a big fan of shots  so this was big for me. When you are on bed rest they...

                                   When I awoke from my surgery, I had no idea that I had been in surgery for 4 hours.  Finding out after having surgery that you were septic is frightening. You can die from sepsis. When my small bowel perforated I never thought about getting sepsis all through me. I knew it could happen but I was so drugged up that it was a blur.  My surgeon had really no idea how septic I was till he was opening me up.                                      I was in so much pain I and so messed up that when I woke up it was better we didn't talk much to the infection. It was a scary place mentally to be because you have no control of your body. I noticed I had these tubes on the left and right abdomen. At the end of the tube is almost shaped like a light bulb. When I looked a...

                            When I was in high school we had an option to go to the United Technology Center. The United Technology Center is a vocational school. A vocational school is learning skills you could use to get a job. For example they had a year course to become a CNA or get a certificate for Culinary Arts. There were more to offer like computers and vehicles. They were big courses and you got 3 credits per a class. When you're young and an opportunity comes along like this you grab it. So I grabbed it and I felt good about it too. The first year I went to become a CNA. I would learn all the facts of the trade. There is  important material I needed to learn in order to pass the test at the end of the year. I have some stories I will tell at later times about being a CNA and what that brought on.  In the CNA course you get taught how to give sponge baths to those who are bedridden or people s...

                       Ever since I remember I have hated needles. I remember as a small child running away from the doctor when I needed shots. I mean one appointment I hide under the chairs and cried. So that's how i have always felt.                         I have had piercings & tattoos done in the past. I am always so nervous about the pinch and the pain of the needle. Sometimes it was a pinch of pain like when I got my nose piercing. It was a pretty big needle but it was so quick and rewarding for me. The first piercing was when I was a teenager. My mother brought me to the tattoo shop and I wanted to get my belly button pierced. At this moment it was all new and I didn't know if it would hurt like a shot. So basically I was scared shitless. I wanted the piercing so bad I was ready for the pinch. It was scary and my adrenaline was going all ove...

                     I was in and out of sleep.I had awaken or that's what I thought. I heard a voice say " Breanna...Bre what is our presidents name" I had to think of course and I said "He's not my president." Again the voice asked again what our presidents name was and I was still groggy and said "He's not my president" Well the lady I heard realized it was not a good question to ask. So then she asked me what was his hair color. I knew what it was but I said grey. That is all I heard as I drifted off back to sleep. Ativan , so much ativan. I've never had such a alluring drug. I know it's habit forming so I am glad I was only prescribed it in hospital setting. I was so distressed and I was having a hard time comprehending what really happened to me. I could hear everything going on around me. I couldn't focus on just one thing. I was drowsy to say the least.                   ...

            I hadn't really paid attention to my surroundings much. I hadn't looked at my body just yet. The first site of my body, it scared me so much. I have tubes, wires, and a bunch of staples. I would say about 30 or so. When the surgeon came in the next day he changed my dressing. When I tell you this it's not lie, the most scariest thing I have ever experienced so far in my life.            My surgeon started to slowly pull my dressing off my wound. This was it. This was the first time I would see what the damage was. I felt damaged. As he pulled the dressing off I saw my scar started maybe a few inches down from my chest. I noticed what looked like some sort of rope. It almost reminded me of a leather purse stitch. I was actually intrigued by this. I still hadn't come to terms what had been happening. I just new I had a long recovery. As my surgeon looks over my wounds, he checked out the dressing on my jpouch tube...

                                                The last thing I remember was being brought into the OR and remembering how cold it was and I heard music in the background. Before you knew it the anesthesiologist came up behind me and put oxygen on. They must have put something in my IV to put me me under because before I knew it, I was out.                      My first tiny memory I had was when I was being transferred from the operation room to recovery was me singing "Old McDonald had a farm, ei ei o".  I honestly don't know how long it was till I was awake and aware of my surroundings. The first thing I felt was my wife giving me a foot rub. It was amazing. If I could ask anyway to be woken up, this would be it.  On a side note they also had these massage leg massagers to put on your l...

     I got to the the room where they prepare you to go the OR. There was the nurses that were prepping me for surgery. When I got to that room the head nurse of the whole hospital was in there. I had met her prior because they couldn't get my veins and she could not as well. So I had to get one of those ultrasound IVs. So back to what I was saying, the head nurse was in there was not happy. Before I was sent down to prepare for surgery, the nurse on my floor prior was supposed to put me on antibiotics before I left the floor. The nurse I had downstairs was new and was way behind schedule. When the head nurse found that out, she went back downstairs. She was not happy.        My anesthesiologist came in to start to prep me. He was  going to be putting a epidural in the middle of my back. I honestly was very scared at first. I figured though that if I could go through this pain, I could get an epidural. So he had me sit up and lean fo...

               The morning came quickly and I was feeling like absolute crap. I had pain and I was sweating like a fool. I was npo which means nothing by mouth, and the cafeteria brought in breakfast which was liquid only. I looked at them and said " I don't think I should be having this. I have my NG tube in to take pressure off my bowel.              While I had been on this floor the surgeon had left for the weekend. She wanted to see how I was doing by Monday when she got back. I feel lucky though, because I was blessed with the best doctor around. He was the chief of general surgery, so I knew I was in good hands. I was really holding on the the hope that I would pass this partial blockage.            Around 11:00am my doctor came in. I will never ever ever forget what he said. "We have found a hole in your intestine and we see air coming from it. Your surgery will be toda...

                        That Thursday evening on the 26th of May they wanted to bring me down to  have an xray. All day I had been complaining about this pain. I honestly thought it was a  stitch. It really hurt but I was lucky I was all drugged up so I didn't feel all the pain I    should have. I went manic. I was so hopped up on steroids and pain killers. So since I had  been complaining and they were checking up on me, it was time for an xray.                  I was trying to lay flat on my bed. I could not keep my right leg down and   relaxed or this so called "stitch". The  X - ray  technologists came and picked me up. She  was so humble to be around. I remember telling her everything that had been  happening. I  told her the whole story. I am a social person and when drugged ...

                                       One of the nurses I had just had brought in a bed. They wanted to switch me over to a regular bed since I was being admitted. By this time I was frightened. Thinking to myself " Wow this is the big moment..this is the pain I have been potentially waiting for." How messed up is that. To have to think to yourself are you sick enough to go to the hospital ? It's pathetic actually. As I know many people go into the hospital with crohn's disease and they look at people like me like drug addicts. So from what I knew in the past experience going in for just fluids and meds, you basically have to be almost dying to receive them. Not that I think they wouldn't but the ER itself is not trained for this disease. Almost like if you can get through the ER then you will  receive proper care. The health care system sucks.        ...

             I am sitting there and hoping with all my might that I wouldn't throw up. Since throwing up was a scary part of my past time. When I was little I would always try as hard as I  could to not puke. Did it work ? No. Good try though right. I was told I had a partial blockage. I had only a little idea what they were talking about. In the past I swear I have had a partial blockage a few times in the past. One example was when Megan and I were visiting her family in Illinois. We had been visiting a few years before this. We took a bus and traveled to see her mom, stepfather, and sister. I always seemed to be really sick when I traveled. I would have to sleep, sleep, and sleep. Then I still felt terrible. The food is different. So although it was so yummy but belly was not used to it. So lets back it up to this night where I believed to have a partial blockage. We had gone to bed at a pretty late time. Megan and I had fell asleep. Then lik...

      As I laid there when the IV started coming out was just bleeding everywhere. My mom and Megan my wife came up to me and stood on both sides of me. Now obviously why would I want to take my IV out when i know that I need it ? Please note: I was being treated terrible and very rough. I was soaked in sweat and I was SO hot. If you want to know, I do have hot sweats and they run in the family. You know how when you get so sweaty that you shiver ? That was me. When I say I was shivering, it's no joke. I was soaked in sweat and hot. So my first nurse came back in to finally check on me. He was gone a good half hour. I sat there with my IV out for awhile. When he comes in the room he started to say I took the IV out. It was either a different nurse or the Dr I can't remember. My mom was there and she told them I did not pull it out. I stated " I want another nurse please! " So that's exactly what I got. I was even a little excited because it was a female nurse. N...